The Pain of Solitude
by Tsubasa3
Summary: Katan finally leaves Rosiel but soon after begins to have painful attacks and doesn't know where they're coming from...
1. One

Disclaimer: I don't own Angel Sanctuary, nor any of the characters and am making no profit off of this.  
  
I choked on the air I was breathing in as the pain shot through my every cell. I was crippled instantly, unable to breath, unable to speak, unable to move, completely immobilized. I had never before felt such a wretching, indescribable, horrible pain. There was not a single place of my anatomy that was not frozen with crippling pain. It was beyond words, all I knew was that I had to scream. I became surrounded by blackness.  
  
I don't know when I woke up, but when I did, I was in terrible condition. Every muscle in my body ached, even the ones I hadn't known I had until that attack. I could feel all the cells in my legs burning; my nose was bleeding more than it should be. My hair was matted and sticky, and had a few blotches of dried blood in it as well.  
  
I had no idea what had happened to me; had I had a heartattack, a stroke, a seizure? I had no idea. I just knew it was no normal pain even in a serious medical issue. I struggled to sit up despite the agonizing strain on my muscles. My surroundings blurred a moment but my then my eyes focused.  
  
It had been one week, one week since I had left Sir Rosiel and fled. I'm not sure where I had fled to, I had no idea what this place was, but did it really matter? I was away from Rosiel. This was the first time it had happened, but at the time, I didn't know it wouldn't be my last.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I lay in bed, gasping desperately for air as the pain slowly subsided. It had been one week since the first attack; I wasn't sure what was happening to me. This one had been slightly less severe than the one before it, but none the less, excruciating.  
  
I wondered what I should do; should I see a doctor? But no, I couldn't see a physician. This was a different kind of pain. Pain, yes, but not of the earthly kind. I was feeling pain from Eden. A doctor would be of no use.  
  
I had to find the source of this, but I had no idea what could possibly be causing this. Surely not Rosiel, nor any of his or my enemies. But something was doing this to me, though I had no idea what. And what was more baffling, was what came with the pain. Whenever I had one of my "attacks", an emotion came with it, and memories, there were memories too. Whatever or, whoever was causing this was drawing upon very painful memories and emotions.  
  
I sighed and rolled out of bed and squinted in the morning sunlight coming through the shutters. Ignoring the pain, I stood and winced. I stared at myself in the mirror of the hotel room I had been living in. The bruises on my face had been starting to heal from when I still was with Rosiel, and only a few were remaining from my attacks.  
  
I pulled on a shirt and ran my hand through my hair. It was dirty and very messy, and needed to be washed.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I stepped into the shower and pulled closed the dirty shower curtain. Turning on the water, I flinched as the cold water hit my skin. Adjusting to the ever rising water temperature, I stepped into the stream of water. I began to wet my violet hair and rub soap on my chest.  
  
Suddenly, I felt the air knocked out of me as a familiar pain seared through my every muscle. I grabbed myself, trying to keep standing. A pulse of pain shot through me again and I could no longer support myself. I fell and hit my head against the tile wall of the shower and I could feel my warm blood trickle down my face. A wave of pain shot through my head and I groaned, and then everything went black.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *sirens*  
  
I slowly opened my eyes wearily. I shut them again immediately from the bright light in the room. Slowly opening them again, I was greeted by a hospital scene. I moaned as I sat up. There was a bandage around my head and my head hurt like hell. I felt like I had just ripped apart, but at least I was alive. A nurse walked in with a cheery smile, unfortunately I was not in the mood to be friendly.  
  
"Hello, sir. I see you've awakened now. Are you feeling all right?" she asked with a clipborad in her hand. I ignored her question. She didn't seem to mind, I guess she expected that from patients who have just awoken. "May I take your name, sir?" she asked. I looked at her gravely and touched a few strands of my hair sticking out of the bandage wrapped around my head. I ignored that question as well. "You're name, sir?" she repeated.  
  
"Eikichi Yamada," I stated as if I had known it my whole life.  
  
"Pardon, sir?"  
  
"I don't know!" I yelled furiously. The nurse gasped and scribbled something on her clipboard before rushing out of the room. I sighed and touched my head, letting myself fall back in the bed.  
  
A doctor entered the room then. "Mr. Yamada, am I right?" I gave a long moan.  
  
"What happened to me?" I asked the doctor.  
  
"You were taking a shower and you tripped and hit your head." Suddenly it hit me, I knew what had happened. Strangely, Sir Rosiel came to mind. I gasped.  
  
"No, Rosiel-sama, you couldn't- but how?" The doctor looked bewildered. "Uh, um, Yamada-san, is there something wrong?" the doctor asked. I shook my head. Suddenly my head shot up, startling the doctor.  
  
"How long will my recovery be?" I demanded. The doctor, taken aback, began to stutter. "Uh, um, a- about a few weeks, 3 weeks, yes, 3 weeks," he said, nodding furiously.  
  
"Damn!" I cursed.  
  
"Sir, you shouldn't stress yourself in your condition," the doctor pleaded. By now, he must have thought me a psychopath. My gaze settled upon the doctor once again and I focused my energy slowly, and within a moment he collapsed on the floor. Jumping out of the bed, I gathered most of my remaining energy to partially hea myself. Stripping of the hospital dress, I walked out of that hospital. Gazing to the sunny sky above and listening to the birds, I spread my wings. I leaped into the air and disappeared into the sky a moment later.  
  
~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`  
  
I knelt before the angel who held a deathly look to him. I kneeled before him in veneration; I suppose even now, I still have a strong devotion and respect for this ruined angel. I approached the angel's form and bent over the bed. His face was hidden behind his hair. Brushing his hair from his face, I saw dark circles under his eyes, indicating lack of sleep.  
  
I smiled gently at the peaceful, angelic form. Bending down, I kissed Rosiel's cheek gently and then straightened. Raising my hand, I shot a blast straight for his sleeping form. The blast hit his form and I saw his blood spray, but then I passed out from the pain as well.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
When I woke up, I was in indescribable, excruciating pain and blood was still pouring from a wound in my side; I was literally drenched in blood. At first I wondered what had happened, but then I realized what had been happening to me.  
  
Somehow, some way, I had been wthout realizing it, emotionally connected to Rosiel since I'd left. So, everything that happened to Rosiel, physically or emotionally, was happening to me as well- and that was the pain.  
  
Author: The end of this chapter; there will be at least one more. I hope you enjoyed it! ^____^  
  
Katan: Hey, I'm the one getting beat up here! You just can't stop bashing on me, can you?!  
  
Author: ^____^ Fluffy Katan! *hugs Katan*  
  
Katan: Hey! Get off! AAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!! 


	2. Two

Just to warn you, this chapter has implied shonen-ai in it and is a very emotional chapter.  
  
I was lying on the floor, injured. Oh damn it Katan, how could you have been so stupid?! Now you're in the same position as Rosiel-sama! I couldn't stay here; that blast could not have possibly killed Rosiel-sama; it was much to weak, he was definitely still alive, just unconscious. And he would eventually awaken too, but I had to find a way to get out before that happened. I lifted my head off the ground, the only part of my body not hurting like hell, and I saw a glimpse of Rosiel's body still on the bed.  
  
He was bloody, yes, bloody. And naked. His sheets lay a heap on the floor. But I knew just from a glance he was definitely alive. Struggling to sit up, I felt the severe drop of my power from the effects of the blast. I had barely enough to stay awake. But I had to use it; if I didn't, I would surely die here.  
  
I was able to close the wound most of the way with my remaining powers, at least enough to get away. Struggling to my feet, begging support from the bloodied bed post. I ambled out the door and felt my head swim for a moment.  
  
But then, I stopped. I cursed myself for having a will and conscience and spun around for all my injured body would allow. And realized: How could I possibly leave my father, the one who created me for what I am? He treated me horribly sometimes and cared for absolutely no one but himself, but I owed my undying allegiance to him. I swore I wouldn't abandon this fallen, ruined angel of Heaven.  
  
But I could do nothing. I had no power left and surely I could not leave Rosiel-sama here, alone. True, he was alive now, but injured and had suffered massive blood loss, so, if I were to leave him, he would surely die and all my problems would undoubtedly be solved. Did I really, at all care for this torturous angel? Did I care whether he lived or died? I decided, in the end, I didn't. I didn't need him, did I? I didn't know it then, but I did.  
  
And so I left, thinking I would never return and go back to earth to live out the rest of my life free of the bondage that tied me to Rosiel-sama.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Where was I? It was a cool, crisp and sunny day with a light breeze blowing. Dead, colored leaves littered the ground of cement. All around was dark, wet green grass and graves. I was in a cemetery. A group of people arrived for a funeral and were crying and walking toward a large cascet before a priest. I was drawn to it, nearing.  
  
The priest said many things in honor of the deceased and people went to say their dues to the open cascet. I neared the shiny, clean cascet and suddenly was horrified at what I saw.  
  
Laying there in a fresh suit, his hair falling to the sides of his face, was my father, Rosiel-sama. Dead. I shuddered and clamped my eyes closed. Surely I was just imagining it. Surely this man before me was not my creator, Rosiel. But then a thought struck me. Memories flashed across my minds eye. My last memory is...  
  
I had killed him. I had killed the man in front of me, and that's why he is dead and all these people are crying, because I killed him. I killed him mercilesly and didn't try to save him. And that's why, and that's why he is dead. May the angels weep for me.  
  
It was then I no longer knew or cared about anything and felt myself becoming consumed in my grief. I collapsed to my knees before the cascet and buried my face in my hands, weeping. I think all the people disappeared and left only me and the cascet. But I was too lost in my grief and pain to notice.  
  
And that is when I realized it. I may have sometimes despised him for all I knew, but I secretly knew that I was nothing without him. The allegiance I made to him runs deeper to an emotional depth as well. I knew then that I loved Rosiel-sama, even if he was twisted and sick and pathetic in so many ways, my life was lived only for him. I lived through him and there was no turning back. I was tied to him for eternity, but now that eternity was gone and left was only the man who I loved and cared for more than anything else. But he was dead.  
  
Sobbing, I removed my face from my hands and stared at the form before me in desbelief; it all seemed so surreal. The one who made me what I am, was dead. I was unsure of why I cared, but I could no longer deny it, I always had loved him for what he is. An image of pain and beauty, torture and kindness, but it was all I had ever known.  
  
And now that he was dead by my own hands, I didn't know where to go or what to do. Since the beginning of time, I had always followed his lead and was dependant on him for everything. So now, that I was alone, I had no idea what I should do. I realized I no longer now wanted to live without him. I wanted to return to our home in Eden, but I wondered did it even exist now? Did I even care if it existed?  
  
"Sir Rosiel, Rosiel-sama, I'm sorry; I'm sorry for leaving you. I regret now leaving and I more than ever want to return to Eden with you. I know now that it was me and only me that killed you, and that is my biggest mistake. So, please, save me, help me, Rosiel-sama. I'm alone and I'm scared," I whispered hoarsely.  
  
The cascet disappeared now and only his naked body lay there. I knelt before him, bowing before my master in reverence. Standing, I bended down and kissed his warm lips gently. Giving one last low sob, I stood and watched his form disappear completely through blurred eyes.  
  
`````````````*...  
  
Pain cut through me and I collapsed, the last thing I saw being Rosiel- sama. I awoke again to no pain at all and my power was restored to full. I opened my eyes and blinked stupidly for a second; everything had happened so fast. I stood and my eyes focused on blood splattered across a bedpost. Adjusting my eyes, I saw a blood-drenced Rosiel in the bed. I couldn't tell which was blood and which were the sheets.  
  
I had no idea what was going on, but I would not leave my lord a second time. This task made much easier by the fact I was completely healed and healthy.  
  
Approaching the bed, ignoring the blood, I scooped his limp form up in my arms, covered with the sheets, and walked out of the room with him tucked safely in my protective arms.  
  
I had been given a second chance, I had to save Rosiel-sama this time, so I can live without the intense pain and guilt of his death and the fact that I killed him. 


	3. Three

"Katan, Katan are you there?" a voice came. It was a sweet, familiar voice that I loved. It soothed me as I listened to it speak. I felt safe, protected, and completely calm. I felt a wave of gentle warmth cover me and envelope me in its presence. "Katan, wake up, Katan," the voice came again and I opened my eyes pleasantly.  
  
As I opened my eyes I was greeted by the most beautiful image that ever existed. My master, the one I loved so dearly. And he was alive, perfectly alive and full of health. I smiled warmly and reached up to touch his long, beautiful silky hair. As I touched his hair, the image rippled and then suddenly disappeared all together. My smile turned to a frown.  
  
All of a sudden, I was alone again, alone and very cold and scared. Where had he gone? He seemed so real in that one perfect moment. I killed him once, and I saved him once, but in the end, he was still dead and gone, and I was still alone. I became surrounded by nothingness; no blackness, no light, just nothingness.  
  
"Katan? Katan, you want to be saved, don't you? You want to be forgiven; you want to be saved so desperately from this pain you would go to any length, wouldn't you?"  
  
"Any length?" A figure appeared before me. It was, it was the one known as Alexiel, Rosiel's profane, unholy sister.  
  
"You care only for him, don't you Cherub Katan? I can see your mind and heart Katan, Rosiel has a place in it. What length would you go to to make him return to you, for forever and all eternity, as things once were?"  
  
"Anything. I would give anything for him to return to me. There is no price too high. But you cannot give that to me. How do I even know you're real?" I questioned her.  
  
"Do you want your precious Rosiel-sama to return?" she repeated. I nodded slowly as her image faded and I was left again in nothingness. I wondered if I had been hallucinating.  
  
"Cherub Katan, you've been given a secod chance."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Okay, well, now I new exactly what I had to do. This had been just like some insane roller coaster ride the whole way. I think Alexiel is giving me a second chance by bringing me back here, to start over again. This time, I just have to remember not kill Rosiel-sama again, though I don't think there's a very high percentage of that anymore. Now, if I could just find the strength to get up.  
  
My last attack had finally ended, and I dragged myself to my feet. Now, just to get to Eden... By now, I knew better than to take a shower. And just to be careful, I probably shoudn't drink any coffee either. I spread my wings slowly; I hadn't done that in such a long time. I felt them begin to grow out from my back. Oh, did it feel weird.  
  
I awoke in Eden a second later, in my own bed. My bed. I stood from the bed, wrapping my body in the red sheets and standing in front of my mirror. I touched my face, letting the sheets drop. The old bruises were still there on my skin now a gentle, healthy color.  
  
Gathering up the sheets again from the floor, I tripped to Rosiel's room in a dark hall. Pushing open the door gently, I leaned against the frame of the door and stared at him. A smile spread over my face and I had to resist the urge to fling myself onto him. I quietly approached and sat on the bed next to his dormant form, breathing peacefully. I touched his hair and felt his skin. He was real, all real, and totally alive. I bent over and kissed him gently. He moaned and his eyes fluttered open.  
  
"Katan?" he said, and closed his eyes again for a moment, taking a big breath. He opened them again. "Katan, where have you been?"  
  
"A lot of different places. The author made me do it. (haha!) But now I'm back, and I won't ever leave again."  
  
"Katan, have I treated you horribly?" I sighed and looked away.  
  
"It doesn't really matter. I pledged my allegiance to you, my Lord. I am bound to you, I just didn't realize that."  
  
"Why have you stayed with me? I have no guarantee I will ever be as beautiful as I once was..." I smiled.  
  
"My Lord, you are the ultimate definition of beauty." I said it now with truth, not simply to appease him. He was beauty in its highest and purest form. I know this now, more than ever before. Touching his hair, I closed my hand on a lock of light violet strands. I smiled.  
  
"Rosiel-sama, are you real? I was visited by your sister, Alexiel." He said nothing and closed his eyes again.  
  
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is everywhere, but compared to him, there is none, except him. Now, everything that I had gone through, all seemed so far away, centuries ago...almost a dream...  
  
I layed down and pulled the sheets over me. Closing my eyes, I took his hand into mine. I drew close to him.  
  
"Rosiel-sama, why had I ever left you?" I reveled in the warmth of his breath on my cheek and let it all drown away.  
  
I had only been trying to escape the truth. Centuries ago, I made an oath. I can't leave now, nor do I want to. I want to stay here forever, in Eden, with Rosiel-sama, my creator and master.  
  
THE END  
  
~~~~~~  
  
Yes, it's over, unfortunately. Katan has realized the truth, and that was my aim for the story. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! Bye for now!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Katan: Finally, it's over!  
  
Author: Fluffy Katan! *attaches to Katan* It was nice writing this, it was fun. I've wanted to write a Rosiel/Katan for a while, and now, suddenly, it's finished.  
  
Katan: Hey, get off of me! *drags author across floor*  
  
Author: ^____^ 


End file.
